Scott's Top Ten Lists

Top Ten Ways Gargoyles Would be Different if it Were a Japanese Anime Series:

Xanatos would be obsessed with building an endless series of giant robots in an attempt to destroy Goliath.
At least two characters would have green, blue, purple, or neon orange hair.
Owen would be named Brian J. Mason --- and he'd be dead by now.
The Steel Clan robots would be armed with `scrambler' multi-warhead missiles and wave motion guns.
Frequent use of the trademark anime `flying motion' backgrounds [oh,wait, we already have that...].
At least one sailor-suited schoolgirl with magical powers and eyes the size of dinner plates.
Demona and MacBeth would have forty-foot mechas and would level large sections of Manhattan every time they tried to kill each other.
Matt would be on an all-consuming quest to avenge the death of his father at the hands of the Illuminati.
Every other episode would feature a shower scene with Elisa or Demona.
and the number one way Gargoyles would be different if it were a Japanese anime series:
Broadway tries to order a pizza --- and gets the Goddess Helpline by mistake!

Top Ten Gargoyles crossovers:

The X Files: Mulder mistakes Lexington for an extraterrestrial.
The Simpsons: Homer challenges Broadway to a donut-eating contest; Bart tries to use Bronx as his science project.
Kung Fu: The Legend Continues: Kane and the Gargoyles travel back to 10th-century Scotland to battle an ancient evil spirit summoned by the Archmage.
Nowhere Man: Working together, Matt and Thomas Vail discover that the Conspiracy is a branch of the Illuminati Society.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: Xanatos attempts to purchase the Satellite of Love
Red Dwarf: Lexington repairs Holly so that she really *does* have an IQ of 6000; Lister tries to make it with Demona and gets his nipples ripped off.
Alien Nation: Sevarius tries to clone a Newcomer; Elisa, Sykes and Francisco bust Demona attempting to steal Yet Another Ancient Magical Artifact from the Los Angeles Museum of History.
Babylon 5: Xanatos strikes a bargain with the Shadows to gain immortality; Goliath discovers that the Vorlons are actually children of Oberon.
NYPD Blue: We *finally* get the Goliath-Elisa love scene we've all been waiting for.
and the number one Gargoyles crossover:
Star Trek: The Next Generation: The fate of the Enterprise hangs in the balance as Riker, Troi and Worf desperately attempt to explain to Goliath and company that they are *not* Xanatos, Demona and Coldstone.

Top Ten Ironic Theme Songs for Gargoyles Characters:

For Owen: "Take This Job And Shove It"
For Wolf: "[You Ain't Nothin' But A] Hound Dog"
For Lexington: "It's Not Easy Being Green"
For Xanatos: "Who Wants To Live Forever?" from "Highlander"
For Sevarius: "[I'm Just A] Sweet Transvestite
For MacBeth: "Yesterday, When I Was Young"
For Fox: "Hungry Like The Wolf"
For Broadway: Weird Al Yankovic's "Eat It"
For Demona and/or Hyena: "[She's A] Man Eater"
and the number one ironic theme song for Gargoyles characters:
For Goliath and company: "Everybody Must Get Stoned"

Top Ten Things We'd See on an X-rated Version of Gargoyles

Xanatos in a B&D relationship with Owen --- as the submissive!
Sevarius develops an aphrodisiac chemical weapon for use against the Gargoyles.
The night Fox got pregnant.
Matt tries to sleep his way to the top of the Illuminati Society.
Demona gang-banged by the Pack --- post-transformation, including Coyote.
How the Weird Sisters amuse themselves between visits to Scotland and Manhattan.
Are Fox and Demona *really* natural redheads?
The night Angela was conceived.
Elisa goes undercover as a stripper to foil one of Dracon's schemes.
and the number one thing we'd see on an X-rated version of Gargoyles:
Four words: Elisa. Goliath. Fourteen inches.

Diane Maza's Top Ten Reactions on learning about the Gargoyles:

"So *that's* why your grocery bill quadrupled overnight!"
"Is that what you've been tracking into the house these last few months? Gargoyle scat?"
"You give them a TV and a laptop computer just for moving in, and all I get for Mother's Day is flowers and a card?"
"I think these Gargoyles are a bad influence on you. You never used to fall off skyscrapers before."
"When you get home, could you send this Lexington fellow over to see me? I'm having the hardest time trying to get Windows `95 installed."
"The next time you go gallivanting off through the skies of Manhattan with these Gargoyle friends of yours, you *will* wear a parachute, young lady!"
"But I thought you said they were genetically engineered by David Xanatos. Oh, wait, that was Derek..."
"All this time you spent on Avalon, and you couldn't send your mother a postcard?"
"So, there are five of them, all male, and they haven't had sex for a thousand years. Elisa, is there something you're not telling me?"
and Diane Maza's #1 reaction on learning about the Gargoyles:
"Look, he's not married, he's got a good job, high moral standards, an impressive family history, and he's obviously crazy about you. Okay, so he's lavender and has an eight-foot wingspan; I can accept that in a son-in-law."

Top Ten Roles for Star Trek Alumni who Haven't (yet) Appeared on Gargoyles:

William Shatner as Dirk Sharkey, a Chicago crime boss trying to muscle in on Dracon's turf.
Tim Russ as Obsidian, a Gargoyle brought forward in time by Demona and Thailog from just before the massacre at Castle Wyvern.
Nana Visitor as Pitbull, newest member of the Pack, hired to replace Dingo.
Garrett Wang as Jack Wu, Gen-U-Tech employee and unwitting guinea pig for Sevarius's latest mutagenics experiment, which turns him into a Quetzalcoatl-esque flying serpent.
Rene Auberjonois as "Fingers" McGee, ex-Mafia boss and high-echelon Illuminati member.
Leonard Nimoy as the Phoenix (hey, Odin's already reclaimed his Eye; now the Phoenix wants his Gate back...)
John de Lancie as Loki (and you thought Puck was bad...)
Terry Farrell as Angela's twin sister Serapha (I'm thinking maybe a little taller, dark blue bodysuit, perhaps a bit skimpier... oh, the spots are optional.)
Gates McFadden as Helena Xanatos, David's mother. ("I would have come to the wedding, dear, but you know I'm allergic to time travel.")
and the number one role for Star Trek alumni who haven't (yet) appeared on Gargoyles:
Patrick Stewart as Xanatos' boss. ("Make it so, Number One.")

Top Ten Lines we'd hear if MST3K did Gargoyles episodes:

From "Upgrade":
Jackal: What's the matter? Never seen a cybernetic jackal before?
Mike: Well, sure, but they weren't as goofy looking as you.
From "Cloud Fathers":
Xanatos: Goliath. I must say these last minute upsets you keep handing me are becoming... irritating.
Tom: David Xanatos... is... Doctor No.
From "Reawakening":
Xanatos: It's alive! ALIVE!!
Crow: Seen it.
Tom: Taped it.
Mike: Gene Wilder did it better.
Tom: Ouch!
From "Golem":
Max: What if it doesn't like me?
Crow: Then it'll pretty much squash your head like a grape and toss you out the window. But hey, ya pays yer money...
From "Reawakening":
Goliath: This island. Manhattan. This is our castle.
Tom: Man, that heating bill is gonna be murder!
From "Reawakening":
Broadway: Boy, that SurroundSound sure is great.
Lexington: I don't remember any explosions in _Bambi_...
Mike: It's the new remake with Steven Segall.
From "Leader of the Pack":
Owen (on phone): Good evening... uh, Broadway, is it?
Mike: No, this is the corner of Fifth and Main. Ha! I kid.
From "Awakening, Part II":
Xanatos: There is much we can do for each other.
Crow: "Hey, I'm not that kind of Gargoyle!"
From "The Price": Hudson: You mean to dunk me in that oversized chamberpot?!
Tom: Well, we don't want to, but it's the only way we can get you to *bathe*!
and the number one line we'd hear if MST3K did Gargoyles episodes:
From "Vows": Demona: I do not wish to hurt you.
Young Demona: And I do not wish to BE you!
Mike: I wonder what Counsellor Troi would have to say about this.
Crow: Forget Counsellor Troi, all we need is a mud pit and this scene is *perfect*!

Top Ten Reasons Owen Burnett Cannot Possibly be Puck, no Matter what Buena Vista says:

So, Anastasia/Titania simply didn't *notice* that she had a child of Oberon in her employ?
Puck, the Consummate Trickster, spends at least two years playing the straightest of straight men and doesn't go stark raving?
Worse, he spends those years in the employ of an insufferably smug megalomaniac and not *once* does he get the urge to teach the guy a well-deserved (and extremely humorous) lesson?
"You were on company time, Owen, and you were supposed to be on the job. I don't *care* if you were yanked away by Titania's Mirror; this is coming out of your paycheck."
Why bother volunteering as a Cauldron-o'-Life guinea pig? He's already immortal; whatever happened to him wouldn't have proved a thing.
Speaking of which: Oberon recoils from the tiny amount of iron in Elisa's handgun --- at a range of several meters, recall --- yet Owen/Puck can stand right next to a solid iron cauldron (a magical one, no less), and not even look slightly constipated?
Puck, under Demona's orders, (presumably) turns Xanatos into a Gargoyle, and *doesn't* get fired for it?
I dunno about you, but if I was going up against Coyote the Trickster, Puck is the first person I'd bring along. Whither Owen, then?
So, Xanatos had the choice of a wish from Puck, and he *didn't* wish for immortality? In which alternate universe?
and the number one reason Owen Burnett cannot possibly be Puck, no matter what Buena Vista says:
WHY DIDN'T HE FIX HIS @!#$*ING HAND, THEN?!?!

Scott Bigham