Mike's Top Ten Lists

Top Ten Voice Actors Whose Audition for the Role of "Goliath" Did Not Go Well

10. Bobcat Goldthwat
9. Fran "The Nanny" Drescher ("Oh, Brooklyn, honey, I looovve your hair! I can never keep those little chips of stone out of mine!")
8. Larry "Bud" Melman
7. James "Scotty" Doohan ("I canna do it, Hudson, I don't have the powerrr!")
6. Michael Jackson
5. Robin Williams ("Hey! The Genie is a big blue guy, Goliath is a big blue guy! C'mon!")
4. Jaleel "Steve Urkel" White
3. William Shatner ("What... do you WANT... from us... Xanatos??")
2. Arnold Schwartzenegger
   and the number one actor denied the role of Goliath...
1. Barney ("I love you, you love me, let's play in the rook-er-y...")

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Top Ten "Crossover" Episodes Currently on Disney's Drawing Board

10. Agents Mulder and Scully are sent to New York to investigate reports of "flying monsters." They're just about to discover the truth when Mulder is distracted by some new lifeforms mutating in the Hudson (the river) and misses everything.
9. Bonkers is assigned to Elisa's precinct. Thankfully, Bronx eats him five minutes into the episode, and everyone else lives happily ever after.
8. The X-Men show up in Manhattan and become embroiled in a turf war with the Mutates. The issue is decided when it is confirmed that Talon does indeed have *slightly* more body hair than Wolverine.
7. During the "Mists of Avalong" tour, the travellers find themselves in Tokyo. Goliath accepts the challenge issued by Ranma Saotome of the Tendo Dojo; however, the "Anything-Goes Martial Arts Dostoyevsky Reading Competition" is brought to a sudden halt when Tatewaki Kuno professes his undying love for Angela, who proceeds to pound the pudding out of him.
6. Due to a series of incredible flukes (which happen during a commercial so we don't get to see it) the entire cast of Gargoyles find themselves on the Starship Enterprise. Intriguingly, everyone's voices sound just like everyone else's, and the situation dissolves into chaos.
5. Yakko, Wakko, and Dot pick Hudson as their "special friend" and proceed to humiliate him in a series of improbable slapstick gags. Hudson's patience runs out, and he deep-fries the little weasels.
4. Vampire detective Nicholas Knight is assigned as Elisa's new partner. Hanging around someone who flies, comes out only at night, has glowing eyes, and is constantly immersed in flashbacks turns out to be right up Elisa's alley, and the partnership thrives-- until Broadway inadvertently kills Knight with a garlic pizza.
3. Lexington is surfing the Internet one night when he is sucked into cyberspace and turned into a wild-haired, red-underwear-wearing freak blessed with superpowers and a great Jerry Lewis impression. The other gargoyles quickly tire of the Lexazoid's antics, and unplug the computer until he promises to behave himself.
2. The gargoyles move out of the clock tower and find adjoining apartments on the East Side. They abandon crime fighting and instead hang out at "Central Perk," a local coffee house, where the six friends sit on ugly furniture, drink cappucino, and make wry, sarcastic comments about living, loving, and being angst-ridden Generation Xers.
   and the number one "crossover" on Disney's drawing board
1. Three words: Bambi vs. Goliath.

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Top Ten Gargoyles Promotional Slogans Rejected by Disney's Ad Department:

10. "If you liked Gummi Bears, you'll love Gargoyles!"
9. "They're uglier than yo' momma -- they're Gargoyles!"
8. "Experience the fun n' hijinks of medieval architectural techniques!"
7. "You'll never look at a rainspout the same way again!"
6. "Hey, it's on Fox, it must be educational!"
5. "Walt's dead -- we can ditch the talking mouse!"
4. "Gargoyles -- the most violence we could pack into a half hour!"
3. "They ain't wearin' NOTHING under them loincloths!"
2. "Forget books, kids -- learn Shakespeare the easy way!"
   and the number one Gargoyles promo rejected by Disney public relations flunkies:
1. "Stoned all day, flying high all night -- they're Gargoyles!"

Mike Rieger