Diana's Top Ten Lists
Top Nine Problems That Goliath and Elisa Would Have if they Ever Got Together:
- What with being attacked by crazy billionaires and/or crazy immortals, who's got the time?
- What if Romulans beamed down in the middle of New York? (I know this has little to do with it, but I couldn't resist.)
- Elisa's mom (Voice of Uhura) getting mad and having Scotty beam her daughter to Antarctica.
- Puck coming in and turning one or both of them into a summer squash.
- Elisa explaining to her family that her boyfriend turns to stone during the day and beats up evil robots for kicks.
- ELISA: Goliath, did you date other girls before me?
GOLIATH: Yeah, she's over a thousand years old, psychotic, has a thing for laser rifles, and wants to exterminate your species. - He thinks eggs are unborn chickens; she thinks they're breakfast.
- Statistics have shown that relationships based on intense experiences
(such as falling off of buildings, getting shot at by evil robots,
attacked by supernatural creatures or foiling the diabolical schemes
of various psychos and/or megalomaniacs) never work.
and the number one problem that Goliath and Elisa would have if they ever got together - Yeah, they're a cute couple, but what are their kids going to look like?
Top Ten Things That Owen Would do if They Ever Let Him Off Prozac:
- Punch out Xanatos for getting his arm turned to stone.
- Get some nasal spray for that sinus problem of his. (Not to mention a life.)
- Walk up to one of the gargoyles and say, "Dr. Livingston, I presume?"
- Park next to another limo and ask if they have any Grey Poupon.
- Wear a cheesy mickey mouse tie instead of that red silk one all the time.
- Trade in that nifty little cellphone of his for something with MORE POWER!!
- Roam around the castle singing showtunes and tap dancing.
- Tell Fox what he really though about the curtains she selected for the boardroom.
- Trade in the wire rims for one of those cool visors that the goons
get to wear.
and the number one thing that Owen would do if they ever let him off Prozac is - Demand that he gets to say that everything's going according to plan and do the evil smirk this time!
Top Fifteen Things That Puck Would do if he Forgot That he Happened to be Owen at the Moment:
- Turn up in the equipment bin at a hockey game.
- Tell Fox what he REALLY thought about the curtains she selected for the boardroom.
- Spout iambic pentameter.
- Wear a cheesy Mickey Mouse tie instead of that red silk one all the time.
- Get some nasal spray for that sinus problem of his. (Not to mention a life.)
- Be seen in the same room with Vogul and not expect anyone to notice.
- Start saying things like "exactamundo," and "c'mon, let's party," and not expect anyone to notice.
- Try to bite the nails on his left hand.
MR. X.: Again, Owen? If this keeps happening, you're off the dental plan. - Park next to another limo and ask if they have any Grey Poupon.
- Walk up to one of the gargoyles and say, "Dr. Livingston, I presume?"
- Trade in that nifty little cellphone of his for something with MORE POWER!!
- Roam around the castle singing showtunes and tap dancing.
- Trade in the wire rims for one of those cool visors that the goons get to wear.
- Walk up to Demona and ask if she needs another "makeover."*
PUCK/OWEN: I've got an idea!
~~~Cool Magic Animation~~~
DEMONA: Quack, quack, quack.**
and the number one thing that Puck would do if he forgot that he was supposed to be Owen at the moment - Demand that HE gets to say that everything's going according to plan and do the evil smirk this time!
* NOTE: The idea of Puck giving Demona a "makeover" and turning her
into a duck was originally proposed on Prodigy by Karen Setnor, whose own
Top Ten lists are in the archive.
This is how I followed up Karen's note:
ELISA: Hmm... I know this great recipe for roast duck.
DEMONA: Quack!
PUCK: Sounds great!
** This is Duck for "AS SOON AS I GET MY TALONS BACK, I'M GONNA RIP YOUR INCANTATION-SPEWING LUNGS OUT!!"
Top Eleven Things that Puck/Owen's Going to Miss:
- Not needing fake ears when impersonating a Vulcan. (And not needing a fake voice when impersonating an android, the android's creator or the android's evil brother!)
- Making dramatic entrances. ENTER, STAGE LEFT: just doesn't have the same ring as ENTER, ZWAPPED THROUGH A MIRROR BY A REDHEADED PSYCHO GARGOYLE: or ENTER, SCREAMING "NO! NOT NOW!" AS ILLUSION WORLD GOES DOWN THE DRAIN: or ENTER, SPINNING AROUND AND AROUND AND SHOUTING, "HEEEEEEERE'S PUCK!" IN AN ANNOYING QUASI-NASAL VOICE
- Turning his ememies into various kinds of small twitchy vermin.
- Being able to smile without having his face break.
OWEN: (Grins. Face breaks.) - Changing Elisa Maza into a gargoyle. *Sigh* Won't we all?
GOLIATH: (Walks into room. Eyes fall out of head.) Uh, Elisa?
ELISA: What? (Notices that she has wings.) Oh no. Not again....hmm. Maybe I'll get to rip someone's head off or throw a car this time. - Being able to change his eye color. In Mirror, they're black. In Future Tense, they're green. In Gathering, they're blue. Make up your immortal mind already!
- A left hand. Sure, a stone fist comes in handy during those annoying little goon strikes, but don't even MENTION trying to pick your teeth.
- Turning up in the equipment bin at hockey games.
- Wearing fashions that have been out of date four four hundred years and not feeling like a total twit.
- Being short enough to get on the kiddie rides at amusement parks
- PRACTICAL JOKES!! Imagine, never again to replace Titania's entire slit skirt & bikini top wardrobe with frumpy sun dresses! Never again to put glue in Banshee's lip gloss! Never again to present the Wyrd Sisters with a gift of only two Nestle Crunch bars! Never again to- well, you get the idea..
- GOLIATH: (Walks into room. Eyes fall out of head.) Uh, Elisa?
ELISA: What? Is there a bug on me? (Notices that she has wings.) Oh great. Not again....okay by you if I get to throw a car this time? - The term, "getting stoned," has all new meaning.
- Whether it was him or not, Puck is a wanted man, uh, fey.
ELISA: (Holding him up by his immortal throat) Did YOU do this?
PUCK: (Choking) Do what?
ELISA: Owen, I'm a gargoyle!
PUCK: Oh yeah. Good look for you.
GOLIATH: Is this your doing?!
PUCK: No! (True or lie lie lie! You decide.) I can't, remember? It's nice work, though... - She'd try to glide and crash through a window.
- Sunburn is a thing of the past. Hmm, have to cut some wing holes in that jacket, too, and maybe ditch her shoes...
- She'd have to cancel that 2 pm dentist appointment.
- ELISA (over the phone): Uh, Mom? Remember those people I introduced you to in Nigeria...
- She'd beat the living (heh heh) daylights out of Demona. Puck'd try to sell tickets. (...Hey, I'd pay to see that!)
- (And I'm sure you all saw this coming.) She and Goliath have
another "moment," or two. ...or three or four or five.
GOLIATH: (Over cheasily soft background music.) Elisa, I, uh... Oh jalapenja, forget it. - BETH: I don't know about you and Derek, sis, but I LIKE having
five fingers.
and the number one thing that would happen if Elisa Maza was changed into a gargoyle AGAIN - Broadway would come in and say, "Hey you look different, Elisa. Did you get your hair cut?"
- Elisa to Demona: "Hit Me With Your Best Shot." Can you picture it? The fight scene in High Noon. Human Demona (dressed, of course, in her traditional impractical warrior garb that would make a barbie doll blush) raises her laser rifle. Elisa glares back at her, and all of a sudden, they SING!
- Xanatos, Demona, Coldstone, Puck, Titania/Anastasia, Mrs. Diane Maza (Elisa's mom), Anansi, Nokkar from Easter Island, Cuchulain's dad from Ireland and anyone else I might have missed: The theme to StarTrek.
- Goliath to Elisa or vice versa: "Wind Beneath My Wings." Hey, I had to put in at least ONE corny one!
- Demona: "If I Could Turn Back Time," "...and you'd love me, like you used to do." ...but OH no! You HAD to destroy the Phoenix Gate, so now I'll just have to settle for chopping you and your human girlfriend into bite-sized pieces.
- Any Nethri (for those of you who've read Reality Check) or other inter-universal entity: "Break On Through To The Other Side."
- Lexington and Xanatos Program from Future Tense: Theme to "Pinky
and the Brain."
MR. X: What do you want to do tonight, Lexington?
EVIL LEX: The same thing we do every night: Try to take over the world! - Puck: Anything by They Might Be Giants: "...oh the sun is a mass/of incandescent gas..." or maybe "In the spaceship, the silver spaceship, the lion takes control..."
- Brendon and Margot, the Yuppie Couple: "California," by Luna. "... Why can't we smile just like we used to? ...Why has my sympathy now turned to malice? Why do these winged things with big teeth keep showing up while we're trying to be held as hostages or get mugged or otherwise lead normal lives? It doesn't matter anymore."
- Lex or Brooklyn (about Broadway): "He Ain't Heavy; He's My Brother," He ain't heavy, he's just an awkward shape...
- Elisa: "Isn't It Ironic," - ..it's like meeting the guy of my dreams. ...and then getting shot at by his beautiful ex-girlfriend...
- Goliath: ANY song in which some desperate guy begs in vain for his
girlfriend to come back.
and the number one Song That Disney Could Use In A Muscial Version Of Gargoyles If They Ever Did Anything That Stupid (hint- it's because she's probably the only one that could sing and stay in character) - Angela: "Tomorrow," Ah, the traditional Disney heroine with the traditional cheerful, hopeful, inspiring song that makes most people just want to vomit, "...the sun'll come out tomorrow, but of course, I wouldn't know."
Top Eleven Things That Would Happen If Lois And Clark Ended Up In The Gargoyles' New York
- LOIS: Ugh, bad hair day. I fell off a building.
ELISA: Really? Me too. Small world.
LOIS: (Under her breath.) At least you don't have to deal with an incredibly stubborn nonhuman boyfriend who doesn't seem to realize that you're not going to just stay behind while he goes off to save the world.
ELISA: (Chokes on her coffee.) - Of course, they'd probably meet when Lois and Elisa fell/were pushed off the SAME building.
- BROOKLYN: *Snicker* Nice tights.
CLARK: Nice kilt. - Xanatos would come up with some crazy idea to harness Superman's powers and give himself immortality.
- BROADWAY: I wonder why he always sticks his arm out when he flies? And what's with those tights? He looks like a reject from a pajama mannequin company.
- Hyena and Jackal would instal kryptonite lasers. (Hmm, but where would they fit them in? Maybe if they took out the coffee machines in their right arms...)
- CLARK TO GOLIATH: You get philosophical once in the while, don't you?
- Lois would think that Dracon was Lex Luther in a really stupid disguise.
LOIS: Lex. I thought you were dead! ...again!
DRACON AND LEXINGTON: Huh? - They'd both start saying "jalapena."
- PUCK: And here I thought I was the only one wearing tights.
- Lois and Elisa would call Toronto to get in touch with Natalie from Forever Knight and start a support group for Women With Nonhuman Boyfriends.
Top Twelve Things That We Might Like To See On Gargoyles, But Get Over It 'Cause We're Not Gonna:
- Owen singing karioke.
- Jackal or Hyena making a mistake and installing stapleguns instead of lasers.
- Xanatos or Owen changing dirty diapers.
- Dr. Sevarious in therapy.
DR. S.: What can I say? I have a gift for genetics. Is it so wrong to rip apart the lives of a few insignificant people just for my own personal kicks?
SHRINK: *Sigh* I have a feeling that we'll be working together for a loooooong time. - Elisa and Goliath having a "normal life." ELISA: Hi honey, I'm back from my shift. How was patrol?
- Demona and Macbeth going for marriage counseling.
THERAPIST: For this relationship to work, you're both going to have to WANT it to work.
DEMONA: Hmm... No. (Rips doctor's head off.)
MACBETH: Again? Decaf, Demona, decaf. - Lexington getting a blind date over the internet. ...that turns out to be a girl gargoyle from the Japanese clan.
- Elisa drinking tea with Lois Lane and Natalie from Forever Knight and discussing the hardships of overprotective nonhuman boyfriends.
- The goons beating the living crud out of the Accursed Multicolored Ones from Fox. (You know who I'm talking about. They occupy the same time slot as Gargoyles in some areas.)
- Or better yet, the goons using a life-size Barney doll for target practice.
- Brooklyn and Broadway doing air guitar and singing "Wild Thing."
and the number one thing That's No Way Gonna Happen, But We Can Wish Can't We?: - The Wyrd Sisters in matching chicken suits.
Top Seven Things We Don't Know About The Illuminati (And Don't Want To)
- Their chief executive for the past five centuries running is none other than Preston Vogul. ... and here we thought he was just some dark haired Owen wannabe.
- ...but the ones that are REALLY calling the shots are that pair of
lab mice he keeps on his desk.
VOGUL: What do you want to do tonight?
SMARTMOUSE: The same thing we do every night. Try to take over the- wait a minute. We already took over the world.
LESS-THAN-SMARTMOUSE: Why don't we order Chinese? Narf!
SMARTMOUSE: Excellent idea. Order Chinese, Vogul.
VOGUL: Sounds great sir! - Ruling the world is only second on their list. Their primary objective is to find out why people park on a driveway and drive on a parkway. OR to find out what makes hot chocolate get that icky skin on it if you leave it out too long.
- At their last club gathering, Owen spiked the punch. You'd be surprised how well Hacker can sing karioke.
- They've lost their secret society baseball game to the Stonemasons for the past six years.
- The club was origionally started by a pair of Roman yuppies named Brendonius and Margotia.
- The cool pyramid logo was actually counterfeited off an ancient Greek soda can.
Top Ten Things That Doncha' Wish Happened On This Show
- Elisa kisses Gol- wait a minute, they did that already. Sorry.
- PUCK/OWEN: Alright now, little Alex, I want you to picture Demona as a small blue creature known as a "smurf."
- Baby Alexander spits up all over Owen.
- MATT: Elisa! I've just discover that the leaders of the Illuminati are a pair of yuppies named Brendon and Margot!
- There's a sky shot WITHOUT a full moon. How often is the moon full in Manhatten?
- Someone realizes that there are scorched robot parts falling out of the sky.
- Something weird happens, and no asks just what sorcery this is.
- There was a scene of Xanatos and Fox laughing manaiacally in unison.
- There's a fight scene where Bronx DOESN'T make a last minute dive to save someone who was about to get blasted, shredded or otherwise come down with a bad case of dead.
- Those annoying yuppies realize that this is the fiftieth time that people with wings, claws, and no fashion sense have saved their snooty butts.
Top Fourteen Best Lines Ever Spoken On Gargoyles
- Xanatos: I guess it's no use trying to get a cab. -City Of Stone Part II
- Anyone: NOOOOOOOO! -Too Many Eps To Count
- Evil Lex: All gone. Bye-bye. (Heh heh.) Sorry about that. - Future Tense
- Angela: I thought you said you flew a helicopter once!
Lexington: Yeah, but I kinda crashed it first. -Turf - Lex: Don't worry, (snicker) I'll show you guys what to do.
Brooklyn: You and what star fleet? -Her Brother's Keeper - Brooklyn: You'd be surprised how often that move works. -Gathering Part II
- Broadway: Yes. The sun. Can you see it, Goliath? It's beautiful. -Future Tense
- Savarious: If this gets any more saccharine, I'm going to stick a finger down my throat. -Monsters
- Morgan: That's it; I'm off sugar. -Temptation.
- Puck: Humans love a battle hearty. So does Puck, come on, let's party. -The Mirror.
- Xanatos: It's ALIVE!! ALIVE!! (I've always wanted to say that.) - Reawakening.
- Elisa: You mean you thought I was ugly?
Goliath: Well, I, uh- Careful, updraft! -The Mirror - Broadway: Feel the air currents! Like with your wings!
Broadway: Yeah, use the force Lex. -Her Brother's Keeper
And without a doubt, the Best Line Ever Spoken On Gargoyles is - Angela: AND STOP CALLING ME ANGIE!! -Turf
Diana R. Flynn AKA The Dark Eyed